So there I was having just sat down to dinner in time to catch the beginning of the movie I've been waiting to see. I turned off the phone and computer so as to not have any unwanted distractions while I watched the latest new terminator franchise movie.
The opening credits are just ending, which makes me wonder why they haven't changed that along with everything else, It just makes no sense to splash all that writing all over the screen obscuring the picture I'm trying to see. The same exact lists of names are at the end of the movie, but the ego freaks know nobody would ever see them so they splatter them all over the screen at the beginning too. Damned annoying, if I wanted to read, I would have grabbed a book instead of the remote. But it's all good now as the credits are finished and the action has begun, and looks so damn real on the Double Dolby Plasma HD big screen BluRay home theater. The screen takes up the whole wall; so with the right lighting it just looks like you're looking out a window at real life and the people are all life size. Unfortunately so is the hapless fly buzzing around like some drunk kamikaze pilot trying to fly thru the window to get outside. As soon as that sucker works his way near me, it's gonna be 'instant universe' pal, and good riddance, cause flying bugs strafing the screen are as annoying as opening credits and political campaign ads. Here he comes now, boy is he in for a surprise. Most folks would just black flag that housefly, except what's poison for him is also poison for me so I never use the crap. all you need is a plastic spray bottle full of high test Windex, the stuff with the ammonia in it. When the insect in question is in range I just blast him with a couple shots, when the spray hits his little spiracles it's like liquid-X on a date-rape and he drops to the floor where it's so much easier to step on him.
Gotta drop this little pest quick the first try, or I'll be hunting the clever little bastard all night. Once they know you've gone weapons hot the little scudders have a whole bag of tricks to evade & hide from you...just until you go back to what you were doing, then they start their strafing run right at your third eye! He's nearly in the kill zone, and doesn't see the spray bottle as a threat the way he would a fly swatter or rolled up news paper, so he's almost a goner. He is flying right at me, so I fake him out a little by reaching for my drink, he sees me and banks to the right to avoid me...putting him on my bulls eye. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh; my chemical-biological weapon is deployed with zeal and overkill as I want this sucker dead right now.
To my amazement, this brazen insect does not fall to the floor dying but rather goes ballistic in a vertical climb which becomes a beautiful hammerhead stall and he dives right down on me at like ninety friggin MPH. How the hell did he do that, it was a direct hit, even if the ammonia didn't knock him out right away, the sheer weight of the liquid drops all over his body should have dropped him. He must be one of those early season flies, for some reason they're a bit more resilient. Now he pulls up again and as I lead him a bit to poison the air he is about to fly into; he performs a perfect immlemann maneuver and disappears from view. Like I said, flies are clever, and I knew this one would be hiding by now. Determined to end this intrusion, I paused the movie- picked up my weapon and went on the hunt. A lot of folks don't know that all flies are born knowing that they are colored black so they just naturally land on anything black to hide. Searching these places yielded no aggressor so I immediately began searching adjacent rooms as that is evasive tactic #2. I saw him immediately as I entered the den, he was buzzing around the table lamp obviously seeking heat with which to dry off from the chemical dusting I gave him. He spotted me and quickly ducked behind the lampshade but too late. I faked him out by pretending not to see him, then doubled back & snuck up on him all stealthy like. When I finally got a good look at him I couldn't believe my eyes.
There on the lampshade was a cybernetic mechanical remote fly drone, and as I was taking this in, I could see my own reflection in the camera lens the thing had for eyes. With a barely audible whirr of tiny servo motors the eyes rotated to fix directly on me, and the thing launched...I could hear the shutter clicking as the thing flew over my head and sprayed some vile liquid which just missed my eyes. Well now the battle is engaged full bore as I spin around to give hot pursuit but the little spying fly is much faster now that he's dry and I lost him in the shadows. Time to get serious; so I dig out the ultimate defense for the first time this year; the micro car & computer vacuum with extended wand for difficult places...like Robofly's ass! The little devil tried to make for the open window, but I cut him off and laughed maniacally as I heard his tiny metallic corpse get inhaled into my machine.
Satisfied with my victory I set out to search the rest of the house for any more of these tiny government spy drones. I heard somewhere they usually have a wingman, sometimes even two, so I was taking no chances. As I entered the kitchen sure enough his wingman struck from behind in a dastardly sneak attack. He buzzed right by my ear sounding like an out of tune dentist drill and when he was just a foot or two in front of me the bastard does a marvelous reverse turn and killed my vacuum with a tiny blue lightning bolt coming from a little dish antenna where a head should have been.
One down, and one to go. I fogged the interloper with enough Windex to clean your windshield; and as before, it had little if any effect other than to obscure his vision long enough for me to swat at him. I just clipped him, but it was enough to send him smashing into the wall, and flopping around all dazed and injured on the floor, which is when my cat took notice and promptly ate him! Being rewarded with her favorite treat and a hit or two of catnip was my way of showing Gracie (the cat) my approval and hopefully honing her hunting skills in case there were any more of these Orwellian insects around. Whatever it was the micro-drone sprayed on me is burning my scalp now so I rush into the bathroom and rinse my head under the faucet to rinse it off, but to my horror, all my hair is now falling out and clogging the sink. I open the medicine cabinet to find some salve or ointment to stop the burning, but instead of remedies, the cabinet is now a nest full of those Monsanto-Darpa killer bee drones which immediately attack me with great hostility.
The swarm drives me out of the bathroom and I manage to shut the door before they can follow me. Just as I think I'm safe for the moment the sound of clicking mechanical feet reaches my ears over the sound of my excited breathing. Holding the breath and listening; the sound is coming from the kitchen, and when I sneak a look around the corner I see what is making the noise...400 little mechanical legs carrying 50 spider drones ever closer to my position. My mind is blaming me for this...I just had to be a blogger and pretend we really have freedom of speech by actually having the balls to exercise the right.
No time for psychological recriminations just now, I have to move before the spider drones corner me; so I dash through the room calling, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty." Thinking I have more catnip Gracie comes trotting into the room, her tail high in the air with expectation when she suddenly sees and hears the approaching horde of tiny tin spiders. In less time than it takes to tell, Gracie does the patented roadrunner reverse maneuver and climbs up my leg, sinks her claws in nice & deep then starts gnawing my nads like a gut-shot Comanche. So now I am running thru my house with my hair burned off and head full of bee stings with an unhappy feline finally getting her revenge for having been neutered as I'm being pursued by Obama's army of micro-drones.
By now the spider drones are covering the walls, scurrying their way around to the garage door to cut off my escape and seal my fate. On the way thru the room I grab my cell phone thinking to call for help, but alas, I am screwed, it's an Android phone, and all I can get on it just now are a series of painful electric shocks as it refuses to be used by me any longer. Tossing the phone; I think to grab my laptop but suddenly realize just how screwed I am, cause it's from Alienware...the dirty bastards have had us all along, we played right into their hands. Hobbling now like Django Chained towards the garage door it dawns on me that this cat is working for the spiders, trying to slow me down so they can get me, so I sing out "Bath time"- and the crazy bitch jumped off my mangled leg just in time to be swarmed by the spider drones and buy me the seconds I needed to make it to the garage. I reach over to flip on the light switch but just as I do there comes a sharp jab on my hand like a pin, or needle! (I know, I know-I deserved it) With light filling the garage now I am horrified to see what stuck me, Darpa's new indoctrination scorpion-bot, capable of injecting up to 30 people with 50cc's of pure patriotism & pride.
It's not looking so good for me right now, the scorpion drone scurries into the shadows, no doubt to regroup for a second strike...probably go for the ankle this time. Whatever he hit me with is working faster now as the room looks a little strange and I have suddenly grown a mustache oh wait, no, it's just another clump of hair falling out. Brushing the dead follicles off my burning, bee-stung face; I make it to the outside door, and freedom. I know if I can just get outside to my car I'll be safe & can escape. Without a window in the door I just have to take my chances; but I must go now because that scorpion is still nearby and the spiders ain't far behind him. Just like a blindfolded sack race in a mine field, at some point you just have to go for it, all in.
Door thrown wide open I charge out into the night with a flashlight in one hand and my car keys in the other. After a few steps I slow down, and look all around, head on a swivel...it's clear, no drones anywhere, at least, none that I can see. I crouch down low and start moving along the outside wall of the garage, toward the driveway, & my car. The night air is refreshing, and silent, and it worries me because I don't know whether the silence is good or bad, and I should...but too many years of city life have dulled my senses I guess. As I near the corner the drugs injected by the scorpion are near maximum effect now and it's all I can do to not pass out...just a little further. As I catch my breath and steel myself for the run to the car I suddenly feel foolish, all this sneaking around is just giving the spider-bots more time to catch me, at least my head is still clear enough to see that -and with new reassurance & confidence, I step around the corner to see my way is blocked.
Before me is my death, in the form of a Darpa-Boston Dynamics combat cheetah; crouched and ready to pounce on me - which it immediately does, and takes my mind completely off my previous worries as well as my body. As my decapitated brain begins the long goodbye all the really important events of my life flashed before my fading eyes. I remembered back when we had clear blue skies and even a gossamer pretense of accountability and integrity in the way we lived upon this beautiful world. I thought about just when it was the people gave up on themselves and submitted to psychopathic dystopian rule with nary a whimper of serious resistance. I wondered when & how it came to pass that we were in the final hour betrayed by our very own indifference to the suffering of millions on a daily, and yearly basis. When did we give permission for our food to be genetically modified and our children injected with experimental genetic toxins? If we did not allow such things by consent how is it then we allowed them to take place in silence?
My brain is fading to grey now...no...no more....no more...thought.....end ....of ....memory, ah the sweet.... release from the...... burden of knowing......should try... try to take what I learned with me.....got to remember....no...no it's gone now as life fades away at ...last....
Man, oh wow was that ever a wild friggin dream man; I'm sure glad I woke up before I died, cause ya know what they say about that!! What a harrowing experience, man that was so vivid it felt so real. I was so freaked out by all those micro drones the one I knew nothing about was what got me. After a nightmare like that it's just so re-assuring when I can look out the window of my room on the International Space Station and see mother earth below me, just as she's always been.
Until Next Time ~ Be Good to Each Other.
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